Personal Struggle

As we near our departure date and finish tying up the last of the loose ends, I find myself with more time to think about what I'm leaving behind. It was easy to distract myself from all of this when there were so many details left to nail down, but I'm pretty much coasting now, just waiting for Friday to come and my plane to take off.

It has been a thing in the back of my mind for months. I tried to spin it positively, justify the means by focusing on the end, anything to keep from breaking down. And then it happened. Saturday night it hit me like a cartoon piano from a high window...

I only have a few precious moments left with my kids before I leave.

Sure, I'll see them in December. And yes, I get them for the whole summer. But I just haven't figured out how to make peace with the fact that they'll be so far away, that I won't see them after school or kiss them goodnight. I'm missing out on months of snuggles and hugs and that soft "this is my baby" smell that every mother knows.

What if they get hurt? Or sad? What accomplishments will I miss out on? What adventures? I can't even bring myself to think about the missed birthdays...

They have been the center of my world for the last 10 years and it feels wrong to be leaving them, even though I know with every fiber of my being that this is what needs to happen. And with each moment that brings me nearer to my departure, I struggle harder than I ever considered possible.

Please don't let them feel abandoned by me. Please don't let them resent me. Please let them know that I would do anything for them and that I'm focusing on keeping myself healthy so that I can continue being the mom they need me to be. Please let them understand. Please...

I've been beaten, raped, homeless, hungry, suicidal, and completely lost in life, but I've never experienced the anguish I feel right now. I've never even considered this day would come, when I'd have to say goodbye to the two most precious people I'll ever know. And even though it's temporary, it doesn't feel any better. My heart hurts and I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. Even writing this is making me bawl my eyes out uncontrollably.

If you read this, if you see me or if you have a second, please just give me a hug or shoot me a message. Please tell me it's going to be ok and that I'm making the best decisions I can. I need your strength. I don't think I have much of my own left.

FAQs and Other Information

I've been asked a lot of questions about this move. This is a big change and it's really no wonder that there are so many whys and hows raised when the topic comes up. I'll try to address as much as I can here, but please feel free to come and talk to me if your curiosity isn't satisfied after reading this post. This is a very exciting time for me and I want everyone to feel fully informed.


Why are you moving to Florida?

It has become clear to me that Sitka will not provide me with the environment I need to continue to thrive. The cost of living is nearly insurmountable. There are few jobs and even fewer opportunities for me to advance and grow out here. The weather is not complimentary to my physical and mental health. Housing is extremely limited and widely unregulated here, in terms of quality and pricing. I want better opportunities for my children than what I've seen Sitka provide for others.


Yes, but why Florida?

Honestly, it has everything to do with the fact that I've never spent any amount of time on the East Coast and that the established wages and job market will support me there. Otherwise, I could have pinned an atlas to a wall and thrown a dart at it with much the same effect. I've done the Southwest. I've done The Last Frontier. I'm very familiar with the West Coast, the Midwest, and the "shallow" South. I needed something new and completely different to both satiate my wanderlust and provide me with the perspective I need to decide where I want to be farther in the future. Going back to the places I know, despite the comfort there, just feels like a move in the wrong direction. Comfort breeds complacency and "familiarity breeds contempt, while rarity wins admiration." (Apuleius)


But nobody likes Florida...

Nobody likes Miami. Miami is a terrible, filthy city. Seriously, screw Miami. But all of Florida is not Miami. There are some very lovely places throughout the Sunshine State and I believe I've found one.


Where are you moving, then?

I'm moving to Lakeland, FL, which is located in Polk county in central Florida, nestled right between Tampa and Orlando. I'll be an hour away from all the excitement of either city (including beaches and amusement parks), but Lakeland has a population of only around 100,000 people. It's a bit of a hub between the two larger cities and has all the amenities I will need. The crime rate is passable, the schools are moderate, jobs and decent wages are attainable, the cost of living is low, and I do have a few friends in the area. I'm honestly not treating this as a forever place to be, but it's not a terrible place to end up if that's the way it works out.

Downtown Lakeland

Won't the humidity/heat kill you?
Look, I spent 30 years in Arizona. I love the heat. I miss July in the desert. I would take 110°F over 40°F any day of the week. And yes, I'm well aware the heat is different with humidity. Living in Alaska has prepared me well for all of that, considering the average humidity on the daily is 50% or better. (Try 80°F in a rainforest sometime. I dare you.) So, I'll give it a shot. It might still suck, but I'm bringing my big girl pants with me and I'll figure out how to make it work just like everyone else out there--with central air. Oh, and seasons? Totally overrated.

What about hurricanes?

They exist. Occasionally, they will affect me. Tropical storms are also a potential issue. But I've dealt with earthquakes and tsunamis in Alaska, as well as heat-related injury in Arizona, and wilderness in both places. No place is perfect. Literally everywhere you go could kill you. This is no different. Additionally, central Florida contains the safest cities for severe weather.


Doesn't Florida have mosquitoes/alligators/sharks/killer snails/snakes/spiders/etc.?

Alaska has giant friggin' bears that just want to rip your intestines out, 'cuz they taste good. And orcas. And sea lions, which attack pretty indiscriminately and play with their food. And mollusks so poisonous, they will paralyze and kill you within hours if you eat them. Arizona has Gila monsters, scorpions, rattlesnakes, mountain lions, javelina, coyotes, brown recluse and black widow spiders, locusts, tarantulas, and on, and on... Pfft, I got this.


Do you have a job lined up?

No. And neither does Aaron. We both have resumes and applications sent out to a number of places. We've spoken to managers and hiring personnel. We have contacts to connect with as soon as we get there. Basically, it boils down to the industry we both work in. Jobs in customer service/hospitality/food service typically hire on sight. It's going to be very difficult for us to gain employment without being there in person, but we both have killer resumes with oodles of experience. I'm not worried. We'll get jobs as soon as our boots hit the ground. And, if it proves harder than we thought to gain employment with our first (or second, or third) choices, we're both prepared to slum it at Denny's or similar until something better comes along. A paycheck is a paycheck until we're stable and there's no shame in slinging hash for a while.


Do you have a place to live lined up?

Yes! We have our living situation completely worked out! As soon as we get there, we will be moving into a townhouse we've rented. It's 2-bed, 1.5-bath, 2 stories, with a private patio and a lake view. It's basically my dream rental! The buildings and property are gorgeous. The best part is, we'll only be paying $1026/month rent, including pet fees and tax.

building exterior

community aerial

Are you flying or driving to Florida?
We're flying. I really considered driving, but it's more cost effective this way.


What about your cat?

Rosie is 8 years old now and I've had her since she was 7 months. She's coming with me. One of the big reasons I was considering driving was because I knew it would be easier for her. She's made huge road trips in the past with no problems and I know how to keep her happy on the road. The shortest flight I could find is 13 hours, total travel time. For a cat that hates being kenneled, this is no laughing matter and I had to be sure I could keep her calm and safe before I bought plane tickets. Additionally, Alaska Airlines has an incredibly detailed pet policy, so I had to navigate that and make sure everything was perfect. After a trip to the vet and a desperate search for an airline-approved kennel, everything fell into place. Rosie will travel lightly sedated in the cargo area of the plane. She will be comfortable in her new kennel and have food and water available to her. Pro tip: Alaska Airlines actually sells approved kennels from their cargo desk and they were extremely helpful.


So you bought your plane tickets already?

Yup! There's nothing stopping me now! Everything is ready to go. All I have left is to pack my clothes and essentials, sell everything else, and board the plane on October 7th.


You're selling everything?

I'm selling everything. This includes my furniture, car, electronics, kitchen stuff, EVERYTHING. We've already started to slowly sell things off, but we're also planning a yard sale in a couple of weeks. The goal is to bring only clothing and no more than half a dozen medium boxes to Florida. And even that is either going via USPS or Alaska Airlines with us. Trust me, it's cheaper to buy new, than pay to ship. I'm also really looking forward to going completely minimalist with my possessions again.


You haven't mentioned the kids yet, aren't they coming with you?

The kids have already started their school year here in Sitka and we want this to be as painless of a transition as possible, so we've arranged to keep the kids in school in Sitka for at least this school year. They won't be moving with me, but they'll come down to visit during winter break and again for summer break. At that point, we'll reassess and make a plan for next year. Right now, both the kids are doing very well in school and they are very excited about new adventures in Florida. We've discussed at length with them how things will be difficult and different without me here with them and I think they are as ready as they can be for this big transition. I'm going to miss them terribly, but I know this is the right decision for me and for them. Luckily, the technology required to talk to them and see them whenever the need arises exists. I anticipate many phone calls, text messages, and video chats to come.


You're sure this is what you want to do?

Yes. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. I've never been more sure of anything.


Are you ready for all of this?

Bring it! I'm ready.