As we near our departure date and finish tying up the last of the loose ends, I find myself with more time to think about what I'm leaving behind. It was easy to distract myself from all of this when there were so many details left to nail down, but I'm pretty much coasting now, just waiting for Friday to come and my plane to take off.
It has been a thing in the back of my mind for months. I tried to spin it positively, justify the means by focusing on the end, anything to keep from breaking down. And then it happened. Saturday night it hit me like a cartoon piano from a high window...
I only have a few precious moments left with my kids before I leave.
Sure, I'll see them in December. And yes, I get them for the whole summer. But I just haven't figured out how to make peace with the fact that they'll be so far away, that I won't see them after school or kiss them goodnight. I'm missing out on months of snuggles and hugs and that soft "this is my baby" smell that every mother knows.
What if they get hurt? Or sad? What accomplishments will I miss out on? What adventures? I can't even bring myself to think about the missed birthdays...
They have been the center of my world for the last 10 years and it feels wrong to be leaving them, even though I know with every fiber of my being that this is what needs to happen. And with each moment that brings me nearer to my departure, I struggle harder than I ever considered possible.
Please don't let them feel abandoned by me. Please don't let them resent me. Please let them know that I would do anything for them and that I'm focusing on keeping myself healthy so that I can continue being the mom they need me to be. Please let them understand. Please...
I've been beaten, raped, homeless, hungry, suicidal, and completely lost in life, but I've never experienced the anguish I feel right now. I've never even considered this day would come, when I'd have to say goodbye to the two most precious people I'll ever know. And even though it's temporary, it doesn't feel any better. My heart hurts and I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. Even writing this is making me bawl my eyes out uncontrollably.
If you read this, if you see me or if you have a second, please just give me a hug or shoot me a message. Please tell me it's going to be ok and that I'm making the best decisions I can. I need your strength. I don't think I have much of my own left.
