Most of you have been watching the news and it looks a little something like this:
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days." -Benjamin Franklin |
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days." -Benjamin Franklin |
As we near our departure date and finish tying up the last of the loose ends, I find myself with more time to think about what I'm leaving behind. It was easy to distract myself from all of this when there were so many details left to nail down, but I'm pretty much coasting now, just waiting for Friday to come and my plane to take off.
It has been a thing in the back of my mind for months. I tried to spin it positively, justify the means by focusing on the end, anything to keep from breaking down. And then it happened. Saturday night it hit me like a cartoon piano from a high window...
I only have a few precious moments left with my kids before I leave.
Sure, I'll see them in December. And yes, I get them for the whole summer. But I just haven't figured out how to make peace with the fact that they'll be so far away, that I won't see them after school or kiss them goodnight. I'm missing out on months of snuggles and hugs and that soft "this is my baby" smell that every mother knows.
What if they get hurt? Or sad? What accomplishments will I miss out on? What adventures? I can't even bring myself to think about the missed birthdays...
They have been the center of my world for the last 10 years and it feels wrong to be leaving them, even though I know with every fiber of my being that this is what needs to happen. And with each moment that brings me nearer to my departure, I struggle harder than I ever considered possible.
Please don't let them feel abandoned by me. Please don't let them resent me. Please let them know that I would do anything for them and that I'm focusing on keeping myself healthy so that I can continue being the mom they need me to be. Please let them understand. Please...
I've been beaten, raped, homeless, hungry, suicidal, and completely lost in life, but I've never experienced the anguish I feel right now. I've never even considered this day would come, when I'd have to say goodbye to the two most precious people I'll ever know. And even though it's temporary, it doesn't feel any better. My heart hurts and I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. Even writing this is making me bawl my eyes out uncontrollably.
If you read this, if you see me or if you have a second, please just give me a hug or shoot me a message. Please tell me it's going to be ok and that I'm making the best decisions I can. I need your strength. I don't think I have much of my own left.
This is a special post to recognize these beautiful and amazing ladies, who have supported me, loved me, put up with me, worked for and with me, listened to me, told me to shut up, carried my drunk ass home, joined in my shenanigans, shared their homes and lives with me, inspired me, and generally made life on The Rock worth living. These are my sisters and they are some of the most special people I will ever know.
Thank you, Emma, Chandra, Belle, & Jolene. Your friendship means the world to me. I'm not going to lie, I'm a terrible friend and bad at keeping in touch, but please know that no matter how much time passes or how many miles between us, you will always be with me. I love you guys. My Sundays will never be the same without you.
Aaron and I have spent the last few weeks saying goodbye to all our wonderful friends, while meticulously finishing all the details related to our move. We had an entire house to empty and clean before October 1st, vet appointments for travel, change of address, moving into a temporary living arrangement until our plane leaves, packing, sorting, shipping, on and on and on...
We did what we could to meet up for coffee or a drink at a bar. We've done our best to make ourselves available to the people who have made our lives so rich out here. We know that we will never see some of them again, but our lives are better for knowing them right now and we are grateful for every friendship we have made.